“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?