Every haunted house movie:
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Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY