pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut