cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God