Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Great game to play with friends
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions