The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit