I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday