Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Who called it baking and not making love
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha