The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”