As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭