Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.