I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.