My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.