An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too