What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Pass gas, not judgment.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated