[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.