Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.