Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”