Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
You Might Also Like
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Respect
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
So creative 😂
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.