‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.