me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Practicing safe sax
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind