*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
plums roundup
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Nose