Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.