It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*