During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building