Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?