*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
doing some research
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
A ghost story
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars