If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.