Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
✌️
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.