Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri