584.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
They must have gotten it to go.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer