Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
You Might Also Like
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Spotted in New Orleans.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.