I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.