You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
You Might Also Like
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”