i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.