If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“you recording!?”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.