*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.