So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache