San Francisco has too many rules
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings