me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Usage Guidelines
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better