Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
This forever.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.