Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I have a type: disappointing
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: