[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
✌️
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.