I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food