I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.