Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs