My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood