Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.