When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
What a website
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
tinder is all about the long game
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.