People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall